For many parents, raising happy children is the holy grail of parenting success. But too often, we think happiness is about those fleeting moments of getting what you want. Lasting happiness is actually much more complicated, but much more rewarding. And yes, you can dramatically increase your child's chances of being happy, just by the way you raise him or her.
So, I don’t do as I legitimately could and not let it happen in my home; they do it, and leave me alone about it. Christmas, done the right way, can be a blessing. We have been going twice a week the last few months to the new assisted living facility to sing with them. It’s a blessing, and makes those folks so happy. You have a genuine desire to be happy. You connect with happy people. You take time every day to relax deeply and let go of stress, worry and negativity. You remind yourself frequently that you can choose to be happy. You appreciate your life (or parts of it). You explore how to love yourself more. At Happy Brain Science, we have curated many activities that we facilitate in our workshop The Science of Being Happy and Productive at Work. These happiness workshop activities help employees to increase optimism, boost brain function, and build team trust through shared experiences. I'm Lee and I want to welcome you to my blog. Right now it mostly has some simple how to's and aphorisms but it is in a major overhaul. I am working with some of the best people on earth to spread happiness. You have been purpose built to be happy and I am going to help you find your way. Welcome aboard, I am damn glad to have you here!
What makes a happy child who grows into a happy adult? Since happiness is a by-product of emotional health, this whole website is about helping you raise a happy child, from meeting your infant's need to be soothed, to helping your child develop optimism. But let's talk specifically about what makes humans happy.
The latest research on happiness gives us surprising answers. Once survival, safety and basic comforts are assured, external circumstance doesn't affect our happiness level much. Our genes certainly contribute, but their affect can be ameliorated to ratchet up our happiness set points to a higher level. The largest determinant of our happiness turns out to be our own mental, emotional, and physical habits, which create the body chemistry that determines our happiness level.
We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit.
It may seem odd to have happiness referred to as a habit. But it's likely that by the time we're adults, we have settled into the habit of often being happy, or the habit of being largely unhappy.
Happiness is closely linked to three kinds of habits:
- How we think and feel about the world, and therefore perceive our experiences.
- Certain actions or habits, such as regular exercise, eating healthfully, meditating, connecting with other people, even -- proven in study after study -- regularly smiling and laughing!
- Character traits such as self-control, industry, fairness, caring about others, citizenship, wisdom, courage, leadership, and honesty.
In practice, these character traits are just habits; tendencies to act in certain ways when confronted with certain kinds of situations. And certainly it makes sense that the more we exhibit these traits, the better our lives work, the better we feel about ourselves, and the more meaning we find in life -- so the happier we are.
Some of the habits that create happiness are visible, the ways Grandma told us we ought to live: work hard, value relationships with other people, keep our bodies healthy, manage our money responsibly, contribute to our community.
Others are more personal habits of self management that insulate us from unhappiness and create joy in our lives, such as managing our moods and cultivating optimism. But once we make such habits part of our lives, they become automatic and serve a protective function.
How can you help your child begin to develop the habits that lead to happiness?
1. Teach your child constructive mental habits that create happiness.
Managing our moods, positive self-talk, cultivating optimism, celebrating life, practicing gratitude, and appreciating our connected-ness to each other and the entire universe. Build these into your life together so you model them regularly, talk about using them, and your child will copy you.
2. Teach your child self-management routines that create happiness.
Regular exercise, healthy eating, and meditation are all highly correlated with happiness levels. But you and your child may have your own, more personal strategies; for many people music is an immediate mood lifter, for others a walk in nature always works.
3. Cultivate fun.
The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! It actually changes our body chemistry. So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a Marx brothers movie?
And here’s a wonderful tool: smiling makes us happier, even when we initially force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us-- so that feedback loop uplifts everyone.
4. Model positive self- talk.
We all need a cheerleader to help us over life’s many hurdles. Who says we can’t be our own? In fact, who better? Research shows that happy people give themselves ongoing reassurance, acknowledgment, praise and pep talks. Talk to yourself like someone you love, aloud so your kids can hear you.
5. Cultivate optimism...
...it inoculates against unhappiness. It’s true that some of us are born more optimistic than others, but we can all cultivate it. Click here for 'How you can help your child become more Optimistic'.
6. Help your child find joy in everyday things.
Studies show that people who notice the small miracles of daily life, and allow themselves to be touched by them, are happier. Daily life overflows with joyful occurrences: The show of the setting sun, no less astonishing for its daily repetition. The warmth of connection with the man at the newsstand who recognizes you and your child. The joy of finding a new book by a favorite author at the library. A letter from Grandma. The first crocuses of spring.
As Albert Einstein said,
'There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.'
Children learn by our example what's important in life.
7. Support your child to prioritize relationships.
Research shows that people who are happiest have more people in their lives, and deeper relationships with those people. Teach your child that while relationships take work, they're worth it.
8. Help your child develop gratitude.
'We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.' -- Frederick Keonig
Many people think they can't be grateful until they're happy, meaning until they have something to be grateful for. But look closely and you'll find that it's the opposite: people are happy because they are grateful. People who describe themselves as consciously cultivating gratefulness are rated as happier by those who know them, as well as by themselves.
Children don’t have a context for life, so they don’t know whether they are lucky or unlucky, only that their friend Brendon has more expensive sneakers. But there are many ways to help children learn to cultivate gratitude, which is the opposite of taking everything for granted. (Hint: Think modeling, not lecturing).
9. Accept all emotions.
Life is full of joy, but even for the happiest person life is also full of loss and pain, and we have daily reasons to grieve, large and small. Acknowledging our sad feelings isn't focusing on the negative, it's opening ourselves to the full range of being human. Accepting those uncomfortable sad feelings actually deepens our ability to take joy in our lives.
So choosing to be happy doesn't mean repressing our feelings. It means acknowledging and honoring all our feelings, and letting ourselves feel them. That allows us to move through the feelings, so they start to dissolve.
With your child, simply empathizing with her upset feelings will allow her to feel them, and will help the feelings start to evaporate so she can move on. This is not a process that can be rushed, so give your child (or yourself) whatever time you need.
10. Help him learn how to manage his moods.
Most people don’t know that they can choose to let bad moods go and consciously change their moods. But practice in doing this can really make us happier. You can practice this by:
- Monitoring your own moods.
- Allowing yourself to feel the emotions while you hold yourself with love.
- Noticing any negative thoughts that are giving rise to the emotions. ('My child shouldn't be acting this way! He'll grow up to be a terrible person if he does this!')
- Choosing a thought that makes you feel a little better. (For instance, 'My child is acting like a child because he IS a child. He won't always be like this.')
Of course, the hard part is choosing to change a bad mood. While you're in it, it's hard to take constructive action to change things. You don't have to go from desolate to cheerful. Just find a way to help yourself feel slightly better. That empowers you to actually face what's upsetting you, and try to solve it. Sometimes just changing our the way we're thinking about a situation really shifts things. So, instead of 'How can he be nasty to me like that, with all I do for him?!' you might try
'It's normal for children to get angry at their parents. He's struggling right now, and he needs me to try to understand him.'
How to help your child with her moods? Sometime when she's in a good mood, talk with her about strategies for getting into a better mood: what works for her? Share what works for you. Then, when she’s in a bad mood, start by empathizing. After she's had some time to feel her upset, ask her if she wants help to change her mood. Even if she’s able to choose a better mood only one out of ten times initially, she’ll soon start to notice how much better her life works when she does it.
11. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought.
As parents, we need to remember that we are not the only ones teaching our children about life. They get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell them will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly.
12. Help your child learn the joy of contribution.
Research shows that the pride of contributing to the betterment of society makes us happier, and it will make our children happier too. Our job as parents is to find ways for them to make a positive difference in the world so they can enjoy and learn from this experience.
“Happiness is a by-product of character. In people who are developing a strong character, there is a dramatically higher level of happiness than in those who live to chase after the next good time.” -Pat Holt and Grace Ketterman, MD
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It doesn’t matter your age, how much money you have in your bank account, your marital status or what you do for a living, we all want to be more successful in our lives. Of course, defining success is different for each us, but here are 16 proven ways that can make you more productive, happy and successful in life.
1. Be committed.
No matter what goals you have set for yourself in life, you have to be committed. It’s through commitment that you’ll continue to make the improvements needed to better yourself. Whether it’s taking a chance on launching a startup, getting a gym membership to improve your physical well being, or taking a cooking class because you want to become a chef, commitment is what drives us all to become more successful.
2. People care about you, not your success.
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Let’s be honest. People don’t care about the expensive clothes you wear, how big is the house you own or the car your drive. That’s not to say that they don’t respect your achievements or possessions. Instead, they care you as an individual and they’ll support you no matter what -- because they love you. Believe it!
Related: Embrace True Transparency, and You'll Experience More Success
3. Be grateful everyday.
According to researchers Martin Seligman, Robert Emmons, and Michael McCullough, being grateful can result in feeling better about your life, more enthusiastism and more willingness to help others. Being grateful may even reduce coronary artery disease. Take the time to write down what you're grateful each and every day.
4. Take action.
In an article in The Atlantic, authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman share studies on the confidence gap between men and women. The researchers discovered that confidence is just as important as competence. It was concluded in the article that '[T]aking action bolsters one's belief in one's ability to succeed.'
5. Money can’t buy happiness.
As The Beatles famously proclaimed, (money), 'can’t buy me love.' You know what else money can’t buy? Happiness. Just because you're earning six figures doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily content. Sure, money is obviously needed, and it makes some things easier. But, you should be focusing on your passion and not how much your paycheck is.
6. Don’t take rejection personally.
At some point we all face rejection. Instead of taking it personally, use it as a learning experience. Why did a VC reject your proposal? Maybe there wasn’t a market for your product. Perhaps you didn’t have a convincing pitch. Maybe the VC's partner just called and said he'd spent their extra cash. Accepting and learning from rejection is one way to guide you to success.
With my online invoicing startup I get rejected daily, literally. I talked to 100+ VC's before I got one that believed in my product. Learn from rejection and use it as motivation to make things bettter!
7. Have a backup plan.
You never know when the unexpected is going to happen, but when it does happen, you’re surrounded by chaos. Being prepared for the worst case scenario can at least make things a whole lot less chaotic. When my last business crashed, had I not had some cash set aside (that my wife kept away from me), we would have been in financial ruin. Having a three-to-six month nest egg will make the difference. I've found that having 12-24 months of cash to pay all bills just sitting there has significantly helped my marriage be more positive as well!
8. Improve your social skill.
After analyzing data from between 1972 and 1992, University of California, Santa Barbara, economist Catherine Weinberger found that “The people who are both smart and socially adept earn more in today’s workforce than similarly endowed workers in 1980.”
Related: Developing People Skills Is a Brilliant Career Move
As Yii-Huei Phang states on The Huffington Post, traveling is a great way to “develop a person’s character” and become more open-minded. Additionally, while traveling is a great way to get away from the daily grind, it also helps you appreciate what you have back at home.
10. Don’t multitask.
If you’re feeling constantly burnt out it’s probably because you’re doing too much at one time. Research has found that “when you switch away from a primary task to do something else, you’re increasing the time it takes to finish that task by an average of 25 percent.” You’re also burning your reservoir of energy. Both of these issues decrease your productivity and prevent you from accomplishing tasks and goal.
11. Embrace a growth mindset.
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck argues that we have two-mindsets; “fixed” and “growth.” A fixed mindset “assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are static.” A “growth mindset,” however, “thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities.”
12. Balance work and life.
When work interferes with life, it can result in employees getting burned out and decreases base morale in the office. While this may not be an option for employees, it proves that everyone needs time away from the office. If you’re able to spend less time in the office by working remotely or having flexible hours, you should be able to be productive in both your personal and professional life.
13. Don’t hold grudges.
There is really no need to hold onto a grudge. It can mentally wear you out and makes you miserable. And, doesn’t life seem to go a whole lot smoother when you’re not angry?
14. Stick it out.
After years of studying both children and adults, psychologist Angela Duckworth found that one of the characteristics of successful individuals is having grit. During her TED talk Duckworth stated, “Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it's a marathon, not a sprint.”
15. Live in the moment
You can’t change the past and you have no control of the future. Live in the moment and enjoy what’s in front of you right here, right now. When you’re busy making too many plans, you’re causing stress that prevents you from enjoying the present.
16. Take care of yourself, then help others.
According to Mark Snyder, a psychologist and head of the Center for the Study of the Individual and Society at the University of Minnesota, 'People who volunteer tend to have higher self-esteem, psychological well-being, and happiness.'
Additionally, helping others is beneficial for our health. But, how can you help others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first? Take care of your needs first and then begin to help others.
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Related: Richard Branson on Why Volunteer Work Is Important for Business Leaders